I was reading a magazine article about women and their friendships. It described a woman’s friends as being her worst enemies. The article talked about the end of the s.e.xi.ntheci.ty movie where the ladies are all sitting around the table and 50 year old Samantha tells them that she has just left the man who loves her, stuck with her as she battled cancer…why? Because she yearned to be true to her inner Samantha. As she said this, her trio of girlfriends co-signed and applauded her decision. This 50 year old woman just walked away from a two year relationship so she could continue to sleep around and be free instead of work through her issues with a good man who obviously loved her and not one friend challenged it.
The article definitely made me think. As women, do we let our female friends sabotage us? Where do we draw the line between being supportive and being honest with our girls. Do we hold our real opinions in check in order to maintain a friendship?
There are times when I hold my tongue with friends because I know they will inevitably get mad at me for my opinion even if they asked for it. I think a real friend can take brutal honesty and know that you aren’t judging them. They know you really care.
As women, I think we like to ask for advice only to have people tell us what we want to hear. We don’t really expect true opinions, especially ones that differ from our own. We welcome the co-signing and as a result, when our girls ask for our take on their situations, we tend to offer what we are seeking…..love and acceptance .
No wonder men can’t figure us out.
oh how very true….
You are the first person to give voice to my thoughts. I couldn’t believe Samantha was leaving her man at 50 to basically be a ho? And nobody said,”Girl are you crazy?” But I choose to believe it was the age difference. The man she met in SATC2 was more her age, and they are going to get married. LOL!
But friends do tend to tell you what you want to hear. I use to shoot from the hip, but people couldn’t take it. Then I started censoring myself and had to take a break from the friendships because I wasn’t being true to myself and all that omission weighed me down. Now I’m back and its take it or leave it but I will be telling people the truth!
This is so true. I also use to shoot from the hip and that does NOT go over well. People want to do what they want to do without feeling like they’re being judged. I was thought of as a “rude, mean bitch”. Reason #1 why my friends list is pretty small. LOL Now, I make it a practice of not offering “unsolicited advice”. But if you ask me, I’ll open the flood gates!
What’s interesting is that my ace and I are tight because we know we can go to the other and get a real view of what’s going on and not have a co-signer.
I’ll take brutal honesty everytime. Whether I like what you have to say or not, say it. I don’t want you to tell me what I want to hear. I have lost close friends because I have always been brutally honest. I realized later on that they were not true friends if they didn’t want me to keep it real with them.
I’ve never been the one to hold back when you ask. I’m now limiting it to an extent. One of my friends continually asks for brutal honesty then ignores it anyway. I’ve stopped bothering to ask about her relationship and will henceforth no longer provide advice even when asked. After 18 months of this, what’s the point anymore? You know where I stand. I want her to make the right decision for herself but I’m not convinced it’s going to happen without a devastating move from her S.O. Most of my other friends have stopped asking me for relationship advice until they’re ready for the truth as well.
SOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!! I’d MUCH rather for someone to tell me like it is than to babysit me in my bull!
Like everyone has said above, I prefer the truth rather than the (fake, reluctant) co-sign. My best friends/confidantes know how to talk to ME without me feeling judged by anything they may say, even if it is something with which I disagree, and I guess that has come from years of us knowing each other. That is of utmost importance in any friendship.
In any event, a real friend should, without judgment, give their true opinion/advice, allow the other person to do what they will (b/c they WILL do what they want…we all do), and be there to celebrate OR help pick up the pieces, depending on the course of action that is taken. THAT is what real friends do.
Applause to you for always being honest with your friends!
Hmmm I’m reminded of a character study from the Bible. Like when Jesus came through cuz Lazarus had died. He came across as insensitive and stuff because he didn’t morn w/ them. Lazarus’ sister knew the theology and reason for Jesus not feeling their sad celebration. And she was like I know all of that but can you be sad w/ me right now? Thing is at some point you got to share some discipline. Discipline a special kind of love.
Co-signing is a disease running rampant amongst women! The only known cure for the epidemic isa swift shot in the azz of honesty, and a box of Kleenex to clean up the mess. LOL
Agree with everything you’ve said here.
I have been guilty of cosigning foolishness with friends in the past. However, within the last 5 years, I’ve realized that I can be totally honest and TACTFUL with my FRIENDS. Not acquaintances, but my TRUE, RIDE OR DIE FRIENDS. I’ve had a couple of friends go through some life changing events and during those times I’ve had to unleash my tongue and let them know that it wasn’t all the OTHER person’s fault. They played a part…a MAJOR part. I got tired of being passive with them because I love them so much. I hope they can do the same with me and I not get defensive. I may know a lot of women, but I only have a handful of FRIENDS.
How many people are really going to go to the person that’s brutally honest for advice especially if it’s something they know they’ll get ripped about? I’d say very few because very few can take. People are going to take the easy route and go to the one they know will either sugar coat or take their side. It’s like the word disagree is a bad word.
I have been guilty of this in the past. I recently have start speaking up. The thing is I don’t want people to feel like I am always “raining on their parade”! I honestly believe people are going to do what they want, regardless! I do hate hearing the same old same! Either accept your issues and shut up or move on! Because of people who keep wallowing in their own ish I have start keeping a distance. I won’t lie, I can’t and don’t deal with that mess!
I think a woman who seeks a co-signer is a woman who is not trying to grow. I tend to surround myself with women who actively embrace character growth, try to learn from life lessons, and apply that knowledge. I found that once I limited my close circle to these types of women, it was much easier to be forthcoming with my friends. That used to be really hard for me b/c I HATE to hurt anyone’s feelings…but I soon learned that truth with a respectful, tactful delivery never really hurt nobody.
Also, even though I don’t think men seek relationship advice as much as women, both men and women will eat up some co-signing nonsense.
WHAT???? Hold up. Samantha did NOT leave a “good relationship”. She was alone most of the time, stuck in the background of “his life” instead of living her own, and she was getting FAT, which was a clear indication to her (and to her friends) that she was UNHAPPY. She made a courageous decision to leave so she could take care of herself, and be happy and fulfilled, and her “girls” suported that decision (as they should have).
I’m SO glad I have friends like that, who will support me in being the best “me”, and not just the me I can be with my man.
I was waiting for someone to take the other side. Leave it to Leah LOL!
Did she give her all with him though? She was alone most of the time but she was sitting around doing nothing but shopping or eating. Did she try to find something to do to fulfill herself and gve her a sense of purpose or did she sit around waiting for HIM to save her and make her feel fulfilled?
When I first moved to live with Mr. 1969 when we got engaged, I hated living in Harrisburg, PA where I had left my fabulous single life and friends to go be with him. He was in his hometown with tons of friends. I would come home from work and be mad at HIM because I had nothing to do. I would get angry at him everytime he left the house to do something with his friends.
One day he told me that I needed to stop being mad at him because I was bored. After me cussing him, his mama and his whole generation out….I realized he was right. I joined a gym and started taking kickboxing with an instructor. I made friends and started going out. I reactivated with the local chapter of my sorority and started doing more service. Lo and behold, I stopped fighting with him an dstarted to actually enjoy living in the boonies. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness.
I think Samantha took the easy way out.
Yes, leave it to me! LOL
You make an excellent point in that that she could have found more to do than shop, and eat guacamole and chips in the hot tub while watching the hunky neighbor shower in the nude…
But….taking your example:
You knew you had a future with your man. Marriage, mortgage, children, the whole shebang. And, you had not yet made your mark in the world…
Samantha knew she did not have a future with her man. After all, he (rightly so) would at some point want the life she could not give him….marriage, children, etc. So, this was a woman who knew from the start that her time with her “boy toy” had a limit anyway, and rather than self destruct, she decided that the limit on that time had come.
And…”her” life was in NYC. She was established there, she was not just starting out. She had made her mark…and now she wanted him to make his.
I know that if I started getting fat, that would be MY cue to make some major changes. The “easy way out” is generally to stay the course….no? That’s why I thought she was courageous. (Maybe I can relate, because we older women know our limits! LOL)
Good points Leah. I definitely see both sides. Maybe I just hate Samantha after the 2nd movie? LOL
And let the church say AMEN! I don’t co-sign the shennanigans. My Top Mafia knows this and have no problem with asking for and receiving my opinion which I have learned over the years to deliver with much more tact.
It still cracks me up to this day when friends ask for my opinion, I give it and then they try and go off back on me because they didn’t like the answer. DA HELL. My response…the don’t fuggin ask me nuttin again, cause I’m not the one. I simply won’t comment on the shennanigans/bytchassedness and then SMH at ya when the chickens come home to roost.
I will co-sign your take on Samatha in SITC. She took the easy way out, blamed him for not making her feel fulfilled and went back to NYC to act a ho…and her blatant disrespect and hoish behavior in a foreign country (even if you don’t agree with their LAWS…it’s a LAW!) in SITC2 just demonstrated to me that she was just that…a 50yr old garden implement with a mangled moral compass.
Tell the truth! One of my good friends got mad years ago when I told her I didn’t think she should marry a certain someone because he was a cheater. We didn’t talk that much till a little while after their divorce. People do not like folks to tell it like it is.
This was a really good post. Which is why I very rarely ask for (or give) advice. I don’t know if people are telling me what I want to hear or the truth. So, I generally make my own decisions and then inform folks after the fact.
I read that article in my Marie-Claire last month and I was a little upset… if not disappointed.
The author of the article seems to equate a happy and fulfilled life to staying with a man even if it’s not your true yearning. And that I really can’t cosign.
Some of the things she mentioned might have been true (as in we like to coddle our friends) but the example of Samantha she gave invalidated her points in my opinions.
Samantha was 50 years old. At that age, I’ll assume a woman should know what truly makes her happy and if she can afford to do so, why not? Whether it’s sleeping with the entire city of New York or knitting herself into oblivion should NOT matter. What should matter is that she has the courage to go after what she truly likes however unpopular that might be. I think women are raised to conform and fit too often. I almost made the mistake of my life marrying a dude because he was just such a good man and whatever problems we had “could be worked out” if I was to listen to my female relatives and friends. But the reality is I knew that not being with him made me happier than being with him… Even if he was a dream man. The fact that we are socialized and almost forced to envision the only success in life to be with a man seems too patriarchal of a notion for me to abide by.
So she might have made some great points, but that stance of hers really took away from credibility.
I agree Sula. I didn’t totally buy the article but I did really think about the nature of female friendships. I do think that so many times, we tell our friends what we think they want to hear. Probably out of love and not wanting to say what’s really on our minds.
I am of the belief that grown people know what they are doing in most situations, so I keep my mouth shut unless asked.
I like this one 19…
As a young man attempting to be very clear when expressing myself with women, it does seem like a double edged sword…
But as you said Mr. 1969 asked you (told you) to stop blaming him for your unhappiness!
Fully appreciated the depth of this!
Thanks