This past weekend, I went to see a friend who just had surgery. She is a hard working single mom and needed some TLC. A few girlfriends and I packed up a homemade lasagna, salad, rolls, etc and headed out to her house.
She was so glad to see us when we arrived. Her son is good friends with my son and I love to catch up with him as well. Well, as soon as we walked in, she let us know that her “new friend” was also there. We all said okay and that we were looking forward to meeting him.
He shortly came out of her room to say hello. He was wearing silk pajama pants and a tshirt so clearly, he had spent the night. In addition, we learned that he also had a two year old son that he has full custody of. The two year old was also over at the house and we met him as well.
We all ate and enjoyed chatting. He seemed very nice and was attentive to her. After a few hours he got up to leave with his son. My head was spinning from all that I wanted to say to my friend. Instead, I just inhaled and asked her a few questions.
“How did you guys meet?”
“We met online.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“A month”
I stopped and didn’t ask anymore. My two other girlfriends thought he seemed really nice and he did. He seemed like a very nice man.
However, I definitely had some issues about the entire situation. This girlfriend was married and her husband left her for another woman while she was pregnant with her son seven years ago. It took her about five years to start dating again. She was devastated by the betrayal and sudden single parenthood.
Her son is now seven and he has had major issues dealing with the dynamics between her and his father. She and I constantly talk about this situation. The dad has since remarried and now calls her son maybe once every two or three months. He failed to show up to his last two birthday parties. Her son cries about it and takes it very hard.
For me to walk in and watch this other dude up in her house and so comfortable after one month? My blood pressure was boiling. First of all, as a grown azz man, when you are meeting a woman’s friends for the first time, you need to go change out of your pajams and make yourself presentable. That ish is not cool. He was indeed a little “too damn familiar” (c) Mama 1969.
Second, you met him on the internet and one month later, he is that comfortable up in your house? His kid is there and he is around your son like that already? I have a major problem with this. The internet is filled with crazies. Hell, some of you are crazy as hell and I have to give you a side eye every now and then. Who’s to say he didn’t see your profile “single mother, lives alone, owns a house and car, good job” and decide you were ripe for the pickings? Who’s to say he doesn’t like young boys? There is nothing wrong with meeting someone and clicking right away. I don’t even have a problem with meeting someone on line. I think that’s great. However…what’s wrong with courting? How about getting to know someone before opening up your home and exposing your child to them so soon?
I know what it’s like to be lonely but damn. I swear that everytime we talk, we end up discussing her son’s feelings about his dad. What message does this send to your child? In addition, you are playing house with the man and HIS child. Is this alienating your own son?
As I sat there, I saw about fifty red flags. I love my friend but I already knew…if I jumped in and said how I was feeling, I would have gotten hit with the usual “you’re married” “you and Mr. 1969 have a different kind of relationship” “you don’t know what it’s like to be single” . She’s a grown woman and has to make her own choices. I try my best to stay out of relationships that are not my own.
However, this is not sitting well with me and knowing me, she will eventually call and ask me what I thought about him and I will probably be brutally honest. *sigh*
If you are a single mom and want to have a date, get busy, entertain a gentleman caller….you have every right to do so. As Jilly says “really, go head, get your groove on”. However, call one of your friend’s and drop your kid off before you do. Your child deserves more thought. You are no longer single-single. You have a responsibility to make sure you do not raise a f*cked up kid. Yeah, I said it. It’s not all about you and your hormones. It’s not about “I’ve been unhappy and I deserve to find my own happiness”. You are somebody’s mom now.
They deserve to not have to remember all the names of the random dudes you bring home. They deserve to not have to share you with someone they think is a stranger. They should only be meeting people that you are 100% sure are good people. PERIOD.
Now I am not saying he couldn’t turn out to be her future husband. He most certainly seemed well mannered but hey, I know alot of people that seeemed great at the start and 30 days later were complete azzholes or psychos. What’s wrong with getting to know them first?
As a mother, dating or married, you need to put that child first. I know people will tell you that you have to put the man first but trust me, a good man would expect you to put your child first. A man can fend for himself, your child will only be innocent and childlike ONCE.
Weigh in.
I totally agree with all you have to say. I was raised by a single mother and she dated but know that I didn’t meet men until she at least thought they had some sense. No one ever spent the night. She always told me she never wanted to bring strange men around me. I thank her for thinking of me and my feelings when it came to her dating. I see women today that don’t pay attention to the signs just because they want a man around or a daddy for their child/ren and it sickens me. Like you said he may be nice but there is also a possibility that he may be crazy. I definitely wouldn’t take that chance that early. If you wait it out you can probably determine if he is crazy before he has the opportunity to be all up and through your space with your child.
Ditto.
This post spoke to me because I have lived this situation as a child and you are right…a child never forgets. My parents divorced early and my mother dated men that never wanted children around, shady,etc. Luckily, I had grandparents to step in and take me under their wings. Although I am married with my own kids, I am still pressed to make sure that my kids always feel secure. My mother and I have worked through our differences, but it was not easy. I pray that your friend is able to put her son first.
Yikes… sticky situation. I would have been looking at him all crazy, once he sauntered out in his [silk] pajamas. Just be there for your friend in case things go bad. That’s all you can do.
It was really hard for me to not say anything. You know how I can be. LOL
I just left and kept my mouth shut. I will only say something if she comes out and asks for my feedback. *sigh*
Sauntered!!! All kinds of rude, vile accusations popped in my head when I read that. Eww!
And he sat there for a few hours while chit chatting with us in those pants.
That is just lewd, lol.
I agee with everything you said. I was raised by a single mom and I’m raising my daughter alone. My mom dated different people and I met several of them and as a child it made me sick! I promised myself that if I ever had a child I wouldn’t bring different people around him/her. I’ve been by myself 11 yrs and I’ve kept my promise. I’ve had one or two friends to try and fix me up, but I always let them know I have a child and that there is no coming over to visit or sleeping over. People tell me all the time I need to live a little…. I made the decision to have my daughter and therefore, I want to make sure she has a happy childhood and doesn’t feel like I did as a child. There’s nothing wrong with dating, but I think it’s to soon for your friends guy to be staying overnight. I really wish she would think about her childs feelings and take things a little slower. What she does now will affect her little one.
Agreed. And I am glad she’s dating. She absolutely deserves to have fun and enjoy herself. I have had her son spend the night many times before so she could have company or a date. I also think the guy could end up being great. I would just feel better if it wasn’t all so rushed, especially with a child involved who has gone through so much already.. However, it’s still none of my business.
I agree with you. I do not have children, but I HAVE been a child and I just don’t see how that is appropriate at all. Her kid is 7, this is her house and this man she just met is walking around like he owns the place. #hotassmess.
Whew. Pray for her…and him too b/c I wonder how often he takes his 2 year old with him to spend the night with the ladies he’s dating. Yikes.
Exactly!
I wonder if your friend has done a basic google search on him. nothing wrong with verifying some thangs….He might be nice but visiting like that (middle of the day?) in his pajamas shows a lack of home training IMO, even if that was his house, put on some clothes (surely he brought some with him). He’s dressed like he’s the one that had surgery. Nice is not always a nice word.
Totally agree Soror 1969, as a newly single mother and my son’s father and I have agreed that we would not bring girlfriend or boyfriends around our son(who is 2) unless we have met them period. Bring people around your children is a bad move. I cant believe he had on pajams when you all came to visit, yes he was 2 damn familiar!
Hi Soror! Thanks for commenting!
I don’t even want to know who “will tell you that you have to put the man first”!!! DON’T TELL ME!!! I’m not trying to get that cozy with a man & I don’t even have a child to think about! Rashan & I read each other’s blogs DAILY for 2 months before exchanging so much as an email, emailed for another 3 months before we exchanged phone numbers, talked on the phone for another 4 months before we met. Yep, SLOW. And? I am SO not trying to be another stat or rack up another sad love song. Chile please!! And as a mother? Gone ‘head and give it to her when she calls b/c she clearly already knows what’s coming. You had me at came out the room in pjs!! NO. YOU. DIDN’T. I can’t.
I agree with you. I have been in a similar situation. Except I was meeting guys online. It didn’t progress to all that, but my behavior was reckless, I say now. I am thankful I didn’t get caught up with someone truly crazy. I never brought anyone home for an overnighter. I am always conscious of my child. I did and still get lonely, but I won’t make those choices ever again. I think sometimes a person can get so caught up in their wants that they forgot about their responsibilities. Just be her friend and if she ask be truthful. She did ask…
I have to say I agree with you. Situations like this one chap my arse. We get one chance to raise our children who are here because WE brought them here.
ONE MONTH? She’s still dealing with his representative. That’s not to say he can’t turn out to be wonderful BUT he hasn’t turned out YET. (Dude, meeting the friends in your pjs? No!)
Sadly, it sounds as if she may have let her desire to relieve her lonliness outweigh her primary responsibility to do what’s in her son’s best interest. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s rationalized that giving her son a “good male role model” IS in his best interest. I wouldn’t disagree except she doesn’t know yet if he is, in fact, a good male role model. I mean he has a 2 yr old and already he and his 2 yr old’s mother are split?
I understand where you’re coming from in not offering unsolicited advice. I sooo hope she asks for your input and then listens very closely to what is offered.
As usual, I am right >here< with you. As I was reading, I was thinking exactly what you were typing.
You're my brother from another mother!! Wait… scratch that…. sister from another mister?? LOL
Sister from another Mister? Love it!
If and when she asks you…LET HER HAVE IT. BLACK..NO SUGAR….NO CREAM !! And it can all be done with love. Now she can either take it or not. But she better realize right here, right now that she is rolling the dice everytime you open your life to a stranger. And somebody needs to remind her of this.
I was married for 18 years before divorce. So getting back out here into the dating game was a little intimidating. And to be truthful..the game done changed. All of this internet, FB, and cyber meeting could be disasterous or disappointing. So eventhough I’m very streetwise, I still listened to what my friends had to say about cyber-dating. I took my time and found a man that is a keeper.
And my son is 19 and my S/O STILL does not spend the night at my house, let alone walk around in lounge pants in my house….jeeze
One word to her…. DECORUM!
Leave it to you to express EXACTLY what is in my head. LOL
“Put the man first”? Who thinks like that? I’ve been a single mother of two children for eight years and no man has ever come before them. I’ve been dating the same patient man for the last six years and he understands his position. My children will never feel uncomfortable in their own home because some man is walking around in silk pajamas.
I wouldn’t have had to say a thing because my face would have said it all AS SOON AS HE WALKED HIS AZZ OUT IN HIS PJ’S IN FRONT OF COMPANY. When she said a month…Idda prolly said my goodbyes. My friends ALREADY KNOW how I feel about certain things. You just can’t be that familiar with someone that quick. hell…too many broads get jacked up like that and then all whoa is me after. Humph.
Definitely agree with you… I even have a hard time for my friends friends to come to my home because I consider it so private… A gentleman caller, a new one at that? NGBATDI…
But I am sure she is vulnerable right now and what she needs more than anything is friends to help her understand why it could potentially be dangerous both for her and the child. I just hope the guy is truly a nice guy and that he doesn’t have an agenda…
Hmmm…it seems that you haven’t had a reason to question her judgment before, so why not trust that she knows what she’s doing now?
I am not questioning the guy. I am questioning why after one month, when you KNOW your son is having issues (and has gone to counseling) would you have anyone in your house that soon, playing Daddy?
She’s grown and it’s her life to live but I am concerned about the effect it will have on her child. Yet and still, it’s none of my business.
She’s a good friend? Yeah, I’d definitely voice my opinion on the matter. That’s what a GOOD girlfriend would do. I don’t even know her and I’m worried about her child already with old boy being in her home like that.
wayyyy to familiar in a short amount of time. for real.
I am a usual lurker of ur site (luv it by the way), however today I MUST say something about this topic. Whether or not she comes to you for your input or opinion, you MUST say something… yes because you guys are friends… but MOST importantly, a child is involved (her child). Forbid something happens to her child and you look back wishing you would’ve knocked some sense into her (eventhough she may not have asked for it). Be real with her and tell her. Like NYC MTA says… if you see something, say something
Damn I would at least waited 3 months before I broke out the silk jamas around her………
But for real, I don’t know your girl or dude or if what they have is genuine or not but as a dude, we look for someone’s “weakness” and take advantage of it. I hope he didn’t catch her at a bad time. I wish them the best and hopefully when she’s ready for real advice, she’ll holla at you.
COSIGN on everything you are thinking on this, everything you said and I vote for you laying it out just as plainly when she calls and asks for your opinion. You hit the nail on the head and so did Mama 1969 – “too damn familiar” indeed! (Any respectable grown man with half a bit of sense and a shred of class/decency knows better than strolling out in front of people you don’t know in your bedclothes!) …and that’s just the beginning of what I could say about this.
I cosign on your opinion and most of the comments here…I think that ‘the lonelies’ got the better of your friend and she momentarily took leave of her proper sense.
Since she’s a good friend of yours, let her know what’s up, she just might need someone from the outside looking in to let her know that nothing in that situation was appropriate. Starting from the dude spending the night, with his kid, and being around her company in silk jammies.
Her poor baby must be so confused and hurt right now. I feel for him (and her). Please help her see what’s correct.
co-sign esp with t.sheree. I have been a single Mom and “the lonlies”, if we’re not careful, can cause you to lose your way. Add to that mediacl issues and your girl is maybe a little too vunerable right now. She’s blessed to have friends who care.
**oops** medical
Sitting up in some silk pajamas when there’s company? Really??? Oh, is that so he can prove what a mack he is and show y’all his sexy side in case you wanna get broke off proper, too? What in the world? That alone would have me holding up my He’s Gotta Go sign.
She may dig in her heels and be stubborn, but I agree with some other folks who’ve said you should tell your friend ASAP to re-think this dude. One of my good friends recently divorced because her husband had been beating on her for awhile and then she found out her husband was molesting her son. The judge said there was no physical evidence so he did no jail time. Next thing you know, she’s in group therapy and one of the other women — a single mom with a son- started going on and on about how she met a super nice guy online, blah blah blah. And the more my friend listened to all the details about this so-called nice guy, the more she started thinking that it sounded like her ex. Sure enough, it was. Thank goodness this woman had not yet let him around her kid. We have got to learn that some little bit of man is NOT better than no man at all.
I don’t have kids, but if my man (or husband, for that matter) came out to meet my friends for the first time, in his pajamas (silk or otherwise…and PINK no less?) I would faint. Because, I don’t choose men like that.
Don’t blame the guy…blame your friend. She is teaching him how to behave around her and her son, by accepting such behavior.
And, if she asked me, THAT’S what I’d tell her.
I’m with u Homie..That is some bullshyt…My sister isn’t speaking to me due to a similiar situation…Single women with CHILDREN need to be careful about who they entertain….My sister went far left . I stepped in blocked that shyt like SHAQ..She thought I was doing it out of malice when I was actually intervening out of love…anyway I would do it again!!!
I’m late to this party and as a single mom I had to read this here twice!!! I’ve been lonely but lonely be damned.. no man nah hitch up inna my house after a month???? and with him 2 yr old pickney?????WTFudge nah son nope nope nope.. You said her son already has issues about his dad him seeing another plan playing house with his mom is NOT going to make him feel any better.. Man dating is NOT easy period and when you are a single parent you have to be more mindful about who you let in your camp.. After my breakup with J and when I started dating.. I didn’t even think to bring someone to my home.. I met them at the place of our date.. just crazy.. Man no way no how.. I just pray for your friend…and for her son
Hi, i am new to this site. i am a single mom of 21 with a 17 month old baby girl. the father has never been
in her life. he pays a small amount of child support and that’s about it. i live w/my parents. my mom helps
out a lot but she complains about it almost nonstop. she makes me feel like a failure sometimes.
my cousin is going to get engaged soon and i feel like that should be me, i’m kind of jealous.
the last 2 years of my life have been hell and i can’t see it getting better anytime soon. i don’t have
a job and i don’t drive. if anyone could provide any advice or support that would be great. if you can’t tell
i feel like i have no one to talk to about this.
My attempt at making money for a single mom and daughter
I cannot recall who it was that me in a recent converation, but here are the coupons. We spoke about getting our kids online.
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Anyone can use these coupons, so pass them around.
Also, anyone know of any programming sites other than Scratch and Alice?
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Try code [b]RAD10[/b] for a 10% discount.
I heard it works at [b]Dollar[/b] and [b]Thrifty[/b].