This past weekend, I went to see a friend who just had surgery. She is a hard working single mom and needed some TLC. A few girlfriends and I packed up a homemade lasagna, salad, rolls, etc and headed out to her house.
She was so glad to see us when we arrived. Her son is good friends with my son and I love to catch up with him as well. Well, as soon as we walked in, she let us know that her “new friend” was also there. We all said okay and that we were looking forward to meeting him.
He shortly came out of her room to say hello. He was wearing silk pajama pants and a tshirt so clearly, he had spent the night. In addition, we learned that he also had a two year old son that he has full custody of. The two year old was also over at the house and we met him as well.
We all ate and enjoyed chatting. He seemed very nice and was attentive to her. After a few hours he got up to leave with his son. My head was spinning from all that I wanted to say to my friend. Instead, I just inhaled and asked her a few questions.
“How did you guys meet?”
“We met online.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
I stopped and didn’t ask anymore. My two other girlfriends thought he seemed really nice and he did. He seemed like a very nice man.
However, I definitely had some issues about the entire situation. This girlfriend was married and her husband left her for another woman while she was pregnant with her son seven years ago. It took her about five years to start dating again. She was devastated by the betrayal and sudden single parenthood.
Her son is now seven and he has had major issues dealing with the dynamics between her and his father. She and I constantly talk about this situation. The dad has since remarried and now calls her son maybe once every two or three months. He failed to show up to his last two birthday parties. Her son cries about it and takes it very hard.
For me to walk in and watch this other dude up in her house and so comfortable after one month? My blood pressure was boiling. First of all, as a grown azz man, when you are meeting a woman’s friends for the first time, you need to go change out of your pajams and make yourself presentable. That ish is not cool. He was indeed a little “too damn familiar” (c) Mama 1969.
Second, you met him on the internet and one month later, he is that comfortable up in your house? His kid is there and he is around your son like that already? I have a major problem with this. The internet is filled with crazies. Hell, some of you are crazy as hell and I have to give you a side eye every now and then. Who’s to say he didn’t see your profile “single mother, lives alone, owns a house and car, good job” and decide you were ripe for the pickings? Who’s to say he doesn’t like young boys? There is nothing wrong with meeting someone and clicking right away. I don’t even have a problem with meeting someone on line. I think that’s great. However…what’s wrong with courting? How about getting to know someone before opening up your home and exposing your child to them so soon?
I know what it’s like to be lonely but damn. I swear that everytime we talk, we end up discussing her son’s feelings about his dad. What message does this send to your child? In addition, you are playing house with the man and HIS child. Is this alienating your own son?
As I sat there, I saw about fifty red flags. I love my friend but I already knew…if I jumped in and said how I was feeling, I would have gotten hit with the usual “you’re married” “you and Mr. 1969 have a different kind of relationship” “you don’t know what it’s like to be single” . She’s a grown woman and has to make her own choices. I try my best to stay out of relationships that are not my own.
However, this is not sitting well with me and knowing me, she will eventually call and ask me what I thought about him and I will probably be brutally honest. *sigh*
If you are a single mom and want to have a date, get busy, entertain a gentleman caller….you have every right to do so. As Jilly says “really, go head, get your groove on”. However, call one of your friend’s and drop your kid off before you do. Your child deserves more thought. You are no longer single-single. You have a responsibility to make sure you do not raise a f*cked up kid. Yeah, I said it. It’s not all about you and your hormones. It’s not about “I’ve been unhappy and I deserve to find my own happiness”. You are somebody’s mom now.
They deserve to not have to remember all the names of the random dudes you bring home. They deserve to not have to share you with someone they think is a stranger. They should only be meeting people that you are 100% sure are good people. PERIOD.
Now I am not saying he couldn’t turn out to be her future husband. He most certainly seemed well mannered but hey, I know alot of people that seeemed great at the start and 30 days later were complete azzholes or psychos. What’s wrong with getting to know them first?
As a mother, dating or married, you need to put that child first. I know people will tell you that you have to put the man first but trust me, a good man would expect you to put your child first. A man can fend for himself, your child will only be innocent and childlike ONCE.