I had a talk with a friend of mine recently. She had been dating a nice guy for two years and was at a crossroads in the relationship.
He had a daughter and had been in his previous relationship for five years. When he met my friend, he told her that he was gun shy regarding relationships. He wanted to date and get to know her but he wasn’t ready to commit. As she was coming out of a relationship, this was exactly what she was looking for. Things have been going great between them for the last two years.
Flash forward to now. After two years of dating, they have had the talk about moving to the next step. He is giving her the “Aren’t we happy? We’re both not seeing anyone else. Everything is good.” speech. She is wondering why he can’t just say “This relationship is exclusive. I want us to have a future together.” In short, he is not defining their status as a couple. He likes it just how it is.
We went out to lunch right before the holidays and talked. Let me just say that my friend is a beautiful woman. She is physically attractive (all of Mr. 1969′s friends ask about her constantly-LOL), owns her own home and car. She is doing great in her career and is fun to be around. She can cook, loves sports and is a classy individual. In short, she is a catch.
As she started telling me all the stuff he was saying…..I listened. I listened to what she wasn’t saying and when she was done….I asked her my one question. You keep telling me about him….”What do YOU want out of this relationship?”
She said, she wanted him to commit to her, plain and simple. I asked her if he was doing that. She said no.
I gave her the “Well….you already know my answer” look and we bust out laughing. She knows me.
I told her it was great that she wanted to give him time to heal from his past relationship. She was taking things slow and getting to know him. However, at this point, she is only seeing him and he’s had two years. She is acting like his girlfriend and he is not claiming her as such.
At this point, I told her that she has some choices to make. Does she feel that she can continue on in this relationship in the hopes that he will eventually come around or does she want to control her own happiness?
After the New Year, we talked and it turns out…she broke up with him. He has called her non-stop ever since. His main issue? Even if they are no longer seeing each other, why can’t they hook-up anymore? Hang out? Have relations? *sigh*
She is now seeing exactly where she stood with him in the first place. She was a long term friend with benefits.
I am so proud of her for cutting him off. Sometimes, you have to sit and ask yourself “What exactly am I getting out of this relationship?” .
Who else needs to leave some baggage behind in 09?
welllll….. here’s a topic I can comment on…. LOL… I was in almost the EXACT situation and after THREE years of non-committal and the “not just yet” talks that he and I had…. I found out that he was sleeping with SOMEONE ELSE as well as me…. but when I listened to my heart (prior to me finding this out),I didn’t really listen/didn’t want to hear it or admit it…was hard headed and found out the hard way. Who knows if that was the case with your girl… but I will say this: there was a “reason” that he didn’t want to commit to her…. and whatever that thing was she was so great in realizing it! Good thing she got the heck out now….
“She was a long term friend with benefits.” I’ll be damned. That sentence alone says soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I’m happy she broke up with him. Sometimes it takes these experiences to really show us what we’re settling for.
I am glad too Robyn. He was and is a great guy. Nothing wrong with him wanting to just date but if that’s not what SHE wants….then she needs to keep it moving.
Some people are so caught up on being in a commitment that they will put up with damn near anything. Glad to see your friend is not one of those people. There are too many good men out there who want a commitment that I am sure it will be no time before what she wants enters into her life.
I’m glad she mashed and wish that more people would once they see that things aren’t going the way they want them to go.
Baggage I had to leave behind in ’08 is holding grudges and withholding forgiveness. Neither is productive and when I give it some thought, no one I know is worth the energy. That doesn’t mean that I’m gonna be friends with everyone, but all of the passive aggressiveness … I’m done.
LH….yes, forgiving is hard but so worth it once you really release and move forward. I work on that constantly.
I’m only sad it took her 2 years to figure it out. Once I found out my ex-fiance wasn’t going to commit to a date after being engaged over a year, I bounced and did it so fast his mothaf*cking head spun. I told him I was leaving in November 2005 and was pulling up in Houston in my mama’s driveway on December 21, 2005. I. don’t. f*ck. around.
Fast forward 3 years and he won’t commit to his current girlfriend either. They’ve been dating 2 years.
Here’s to a fabulous 2009 to your friend! She won’t be single long.
and now there will be space in her life for the man that does want to committ! (maybe one of Mr. 1969′s friends will step up L:)
I’m glad she had the courage to walk away. So many women like to stay and hope things change. She gave him time and he made his choice. I’m sure it hurt but she will be better in the long run.
Y….I try to keep Mr. 1969′s friends away from all of my friends
I’m glad she walked away too. I’ve known women that have been in that sort of relationship for years.
I’ve been working on the forgiveness thing myself. I’m always a work in progress.
You know sometimes we need that friend that gives us a healthy check like that. Good for her for getting out now and a side eye to him for calling after the fact and non-stop for that.
In ’09, I’d like to work on being more focused on me and what I need more of in my life versus putting others first.
That’s my first question when I’m asked for advice. “What do you want to do?”
Deep in their heart they already know. They just want someone to bounce it off of.
Good for her. It’s like pulling off a band-aid, it really hurts, but only for a short time!
I NEVER hear success stories like this! Good for her for standing up for what she needs! Fantastic! So happy for her.
First time reading your blog and boy oh boy am I right on time! I just went through somewhat of the same thing and you couldn’t have called it any better. Leave it behind in 09!
LMAO cause I know that look across a couple hundred miles!!! Good for your friend.. I’m happy for her and she will be OK..
I know I didn’t think I would be ok cause it hurt really bad.. but with each day it got better
She was correct in leaving him alone. This is why Communication is a MUST!!! I want everything out on the table to see EXACTLY what we both expect. At least she didnt have to wait another year to find out what she knows now.
Good for her. I’m trying to get a friend to do the same thing. Ain’t happenin’ so far.
uuum She really didn’t break up with him…lol…My question is why she let him get away with it for so long…How come the guy is to blame its obvious she had reservations herself…1969 did you ask your friend if she was dating anyone else during this time..I bet she was and it didn’t work out so she turned to ole boy and tried to turn him into her boyfriend…lol….I don’t know many women that will stay in a platonic relationship and not date other people….Just my 5 cents…
I’m glad she saw the light. I’m all for casual dating but there’s nothing casual about 2 years out of my life.
Slish stop being bitter!!
Two years isn’t really that long considering the first year is really all about getting past the facade and getting to know the person with whom you are dating and year two is about building from that foundation and deciding if they are worth putting in the work for. It’s when you stay after year three that it gets tricky. I was always taught not to date someone for more than three years if it’s not heading towards marriage.
Good for your friend. No need in turning it into the worst break up over the century, a simple No Thank You, will do!
Kudos for her to moving on if she wasn’t getting what she wanted BUT
what did she want him to commit to. It sounded to me that he was committed to her on some level they’d been together that long and everything was going well why mess up a good thing.
Did she want an engagement ring, to start planning a wedding , to move in with him?? Did she communicate such and he flat out said no??
to add I dated my ex husband off and on for 3 years before we committed and start planning a wedding…we were married for 14 years..like AJ said..to me its takes more than 2 years..
Ugh, I needed this advice like 9 years ago…maybe I wouldn’t label myself as “justustoo”. I was in her exact [well ok, not exact] shoes, jilted companion, left to raise his daughter alone etc. Decided I too would give him time to heal while dating him. That daggone cupid hit me with that arrow and let’s just say, it took me longer than two years to realize where I truly stood in his life. I am so happy she did not make the same mistake as I. It’s hard to let go of someone who you love. But you have to love yourself more. It took me a “minute” to learn this [seriously]. As the saying goes, “don’t make someone a priority, if they only make you an option”.
So, happy for her.
I think for a lot of women who probably in this same or a similar situation, it’s not that they don’t want to get out or they aren’t aware that this isn’t going anywhere, some just don’t have the courage to do so. Kudos to your friend who did the right thing and I am sure as someone said above, she won’t be single for long. Some men, (some) refuses to commit and we as women should not settle. NEXT! is my phrase…
We deserve better, we should seek to receive better, if a man doesn’t want to commit, no need in staying around year after year thinking he will, trust me he won’t.
I wish her the best and I am sure her knight in shinning armor is right around the corner.
Great Post, again!
This situation is ALL TOO COMMON! We, as women, let men have what they want and sacrafice our standards because we “like him” and are willing to wait until he comes around, because we just *know* that he’s great and we’d look great on paper together, etc. He’s what we want, right? But, we’re letting go of *what* we want. Men are happy when they’re “just seeing you” and nobody else, but without explicitly defining it as an exclusive relationship – because it leaves them the out they want. If they end up seeing someone else or sleeping with someone else, it’s ok in their eyes because, hey, you’re not committed.
I was in, (what I found out to be) the same situation with LT. We cut that off after a year and change after he pulled some old other sh*t. But still. I can identify wayyyy too closely with this one.
He told me he was happy with us and that he just wasn’t ready to commit or for an exclusive relationship. When we broke things off, he started seeing someone else whom he married less than two years later. (He was divorced in April 2005. We started seeing each other in September 2005. We totally cut things in December 2006. He was married by May of 2008.)
If he doesn’t want to commit to you, he doesn’t see it going anywhere. He’s just enjoying his time with you until he finds what he really wants.
Sh*t. I gotta blog about this now. LOL
I’ve been traveling light for a while now.
I call this being the “Just in case chick”…ie, just in case something else better comes along. I was the JICC for two years before I realized it. Once I figured it out, I packed my bags and was out the door in two days.
Oh well.
I will say I am getting wiser at it slowly but surely. Dated a good guy for a month and quickly realized I was an option to him. His termination papers were delivered to him immediately. And left his head spinning coming back at me as “Are you kidding me?!?” No..boo boo
I had the regret thing going at 1st (dang did I act to rash?!?) and after a short girlfriend therapy session (haha) and listening to my spirit..NO!
@ what Y said “now there will be space in her life for the man that does want to committ!”
EXACTLY!!
“…if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it…” that sucks to put two years in. At least she cut bait. Hope she finds a good one who deserves her soon!