As I walked into casa 1969 last night, I noticed that my oldest Tali was missing. Turns out he had an incident at his after-school program and had been sent to his room.
There was a young lady playing with a basketball and Tali asked her if he could play with it about five times. When she wouldn’t give it to him, he took a football and threw it at her. She wasn’t hurt but he was spotted doing it and needless to say, was reprimanded by his favorite teacher. When Mr. 1969 picked him up, he was already crying because he was upset that Ms. B was “mad at him”.
He cried all the way to pick up his brother and all the way home. It was my turn to tackle this one (yes, we take turns dealing with parental issues…LOL, shut up!). I walked upstairs to his room and sat on his bed. He looked sad and pitiful.
We had a talk about “gentlemen” and “ladies”. We talked about rules for gentlemanly behavior. The main rule being that a gentleman never hits a lady. I basically told him that even if a girl is rude, hits him first, calls him names or throws something at him…..it’s never okay to hit her back. He needs to learn to walk away. PERIOD. Also, when you are angry…..it’s okay to have those fellings but you can’t turn around and want to hurt someone because of it.
As I left the room, so many thoughts ran through my mind. As a woman, I hate to send the message that girls are the “weaker” gender so you can’t hit one because you could hurt her. I want to teach him to respect girls as equals. I wasn’t sure how to say “don’t hit girls” without making girls seem frail and weak.
Secondly, I realized that this is where we start to lay the ground rules for future years. How many young men get in trouble or have other “accusations” because they weren’t able to walk away from a woman? How many young Black men get caught up with anger issues?
Later on in the evening, we had another talk about being brave and being a coward. I told him that a brave person is able to make choices and do things when everyone else around them is afraid. I also explained that a coward is someone that takes the easy way out when dealing with a problem instead of doing the right thing.
I asked him what was the right thing to do if he wanted the ball but she didn’t want to give it to him.
“Play with something else.”
Did you do that?
“No. I got angry and hit her.”
I explained that because he did that, he was a coward and only cowards would hit girls or someone unable to defend themselves. He didn’t like being called a coward.
Child raring is interesting. It forces you to examine your beliefs and yourself on a daily basis. Waking up yesterday morning, I had no idea that I would be required to teach my son a lesson later that day that he may need to draw on for the rest of his life.
I don’t know why God chose to bless me with these two sons…..but I have to believe it’s because he knew I would not hesitate to teach them lessons that will help them aspire to greatness. I just wonder if the thoughts in my head are enough to get them to that goal.
There is no manual for being a parent.
20 comments
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May 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm
erica b.
I always pray that I am raising my kids the right way… giving them the right advice. It’s so scary when you think about the fact that you are responsible for developing a PERSON. You are developing the mind of a PERSON!
May 14, 2008 at 4:01 pm
nineteen69
Exactly. Even though he’s only six…..the message in this lesson needs to last him his whole life. I can only hope it was serious enough for him to commit it to memory.
May 14, 2008 at 4:49 pm
alwaysfunkyfresh
You can read all the books in the world. You can watch all the Nanny shows but there’s NOTHING you can do to prepare you for parenthood.
May 14, 2008 at 5:24 pm
onefromphilly
BRAVO!!!
I know…it ain’t easy.
And when they turn teenagers……. let’s just say the life lessons get REAL DEEP!
But I know that I blessed to be given the opportunity to do this.
I still sometimes can’t believe that I’m actually somebody’s parent.
May 14, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Amadeo
So you didn’t teach him that in extreme circumstances he could grab them by the shoulders and shake them while yelling: “I said leave me the hell alone!!!!”
It is bad I’m willing to do that?
May 14, 2008 at 5:38 pm
nineteen69
Amadeo….when he went to bed Mr. 1969 says “I bet her azz will share the ball next time”.
**crickets**
May 14, 2008 at 6:07 pm
robyn
girl, girl, GIRL! I feel you!! I WISH this lil boy came with a manual!
As I was reading this, I thought “what would I do” and I commend you! I think that if my son hadda been crying in the car he’da had to shut it up in the car …LOL… how you gon continue to cry when you KNOW you did wrong?! LOL
Dylan woulda got the ole “keep crying and Imma give you somethign to cry ABOUT” LOL **am I mean????**probably…
But I agree with you in terms of not wanting to send the “women are weak” message to him. I have had that same feeling about the whole “carry old ladies groceries” or “help a lady up the stairs” types of things that men are EXPECTED to do to be “courteous” to women. It’s crazy, but there are so MANY non-verbal things that are part of “most” of our upbringing which do add to boys feeling that “girls are weK”, so we just have to show them the STRONG examples too to let them know that there ARE strong women and being a woman does NOT equal being weak.
Good job Sixxy!
May 14, 2008 at 7:42 pm
cbean
Outstanding!
May 14, 2008 at 10:07 pm
BK
Good Job Sixty!!! Whoo hooo LMAO @ Mr. 1969 cause you know I was thinking that too!!! LOL
I feel you on raising young men.. I’m raising one now who is Umm starting to learn of his parts and such things *that damn sex ed* LOL which is interesting in itself having to answer those types of questions.. I love how you broke it down though.. cowards hit girls or those weaker than them..
May 14, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Los Angelista
Oh you handled this excellently. There is no manual is there and Lord knows I sure could use one. My husband and I totally agree on the no hitting girls thing but where I’m no hitting anybody, especially at school, my husband is all, “I’m not raising any punks.” This little boy was teasing my eldest at school and the discussion with my husband gravitated to “If somebody swings on my son, he better swing back.” How do you and Mr. 1969 deal with that because we seem to be totally unable to have a rational conversation about it over here?
May 15, 2008 at 12:29 am
Nineteen69
Los Angelista….I am totally against him hitting girls or picking on anyone.
I grew up in Brooklyn so I have that “I’m not raising a punk” mentality myself.
Now his first course of action at this age should be to tell his teacher that someone is picking on him or hitting him.
However as he gets older, if someone deliberately hits him with malice? Then I would support him if he fought back. Aslong as he didn’t strike them with anger first. However, fighting should be a last resort.
May 15, 2008 at 2:59 am
That Girl Tam
You did a FANTASTIC job explaining “the rules” of engagement. Luckily, I’ve never had to have that conversation with ML…although I’m SURE I’ll be having that conversation with LL because he wants to hit EVERYONE (which sometimes includes his daddy - yes, the boy is crazy in all of his 3 short years with us).
I have been very fortunate that his Karate school teaches their students a level of discipline that I can only be jealous of. The teachers there have a level of calm that evokes respect IMMEDIATELY. Plus…lucky for us, ML has never really been the confrontational type…he wants everyone to get along…even if it leaves him in the dust on the sidelines. He’s selfless like that…
Of course, we’ll need to work on that hustla thing he’s got going…you DO remember that paper boat he sold for $10…and how he was punkin some kid outta his snacks at school…can you come over to MY house and help out?? HAHAHA!!
May 15, 2008 at 1:33 pm
checkmymelonie
Kudos because it can be difficult raising any child in this atmosphere! I love the fact that you emphasized respect for a person…all children need to understand that!
May 15, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Dee
Having boys, especially little brown boys, is hard from the beginning. You worry about them, you have to explain to them why more (or less) is expected from them than their friends. You want to protect them, but still raise a strong man, and on, and on. You are doing an excellent job, I’m sure.
May 15, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Nerd Girl
I think you handled the situation well. One of my biggest concerns raising Lovegirl is whether or not I am properly equipping her for life. Food, shelter, clothes - check. The nuances - let her cry, stop crying, defend yourself, turn the other cheek, be yourself, conform - those are the issues I have concerns about/problems with.
May 15, 2008 at 6:25 pm
After Hours
I agree with the previous comments- There is no manual on child rearing. Even if one existed, I don’t know if I would use it. Every child is unique in their own way. Child rearing is not one size fits all!
As a married father of a 10 year old, I pray that my wife and I are raising our son to be a) a good citizen; b) treat others as you would like to be treated; c) stand up for himself without getting caught up in the madness within this world of ours.
On a deeper note, I have already had that “talk” with my son regarding driving and the police. Yes, he will not be licensed to drive for several years, but he needs to know how to conduct himself should he be pulled over- Keep your hands on the wheel, speak when spoken to (in other words, don’t get Al Sharpton 1am in the morning), no suspicious movements, etc. It’s ironic, but you will not find this information in a manual (tangible). This information is from the manual that has not been written (intangible). Not to be racial, but I seriously doubt if my son’s Caucasian classmates will receive a similar talk from their fathers. Different manuals for different circumstances.
-After Hours
May 15, 2008 at 9:01 pm
miss ahmad
i was at my mother’s school yesterday sitting with a little boy who was getting suspended for pushing a girl and i hope his mother takes the time to explain the rules to him the way you did your son.
you’re a hell of a mom.. but you already know.
May 16, 2008 at 12:15 am
Nineteen69
After Hours…..why did it take you so long to leave a comment when you have such insight to offer on parenting? Do you have a blog? You need to….cause I would read it!
May 16, 2008 at 5:22 pm
After Hours
Thank you for the compliment Miss Nineteen69! Currently, I do not have a blog, although, I have thought about creating one. The difficult part is keeping it updated (as with any website).
Full Disclosure: I found your blog by way of Mr. Slish; and his blog by way of Single Black Male; and his from The Comeback Girl.
-After Hours
May 16, 2008 at 8:17 pm
NinaMM
Lady at the salon yesterday was telling me about how she embarrassed her 15 year old ROYALLY by coming up to his Spanish class — unexpected — since his teacher had called her “on her job” 3 times about him cutting up. I was like, “Girl…did you hit him?” She was like, “No…but I eyeballed him the WHOLE period.”
My momma had this big azz white purse, meant for nothing but hittin’ her children. I ‘clare I never saw that lady carry that purse nowhere but up to school to whup our azz. You’d walk into the principal’s office and BALAMALAM…she’d full-face you with that big azz white purse. It was pleather too. You ever been hit in the face with a big ole pleather purse before?
At any rate…Tali’s gon’ ‘preciate you, mami. You told him right. And spared him the big white purse.