Dear Mr. Ke.lly:
May I call you R? Well, R….it seems that you are in the spotlight, once again, for your behavior. One would think that after dragging out and avoiding your trial for a few years now, you would want to lay low and remain undetected.
Not you Sir. No, you decide to go on tour. During this tour, your Divo-like antics have already caused one of your headliners to leave. Did you really need seven dressing rooms, causing Mr. Lipgloss N.e.e-y.o and his dancers to have to resort to dressing in trailers despite the fact that he has had more hits than you this year?
All divo-ness aside, now your longtime publicist has resigned from working for you. In her resignation, she states that you “crossed a professional line” causing her to sever ties with you immediately. What did you do? Allegedly, you had relations with her 19 year old daughter. An individual you had known since she was 4. One who referred to you as ”Uncle”. *insert pearl clutching*
Now the parents of that child either REALLY turned a blind eye to your past behavior or they believed in you wholeheartedly. Either way, they probably regret both right about now.
Nineteen is not illegal, despite you being shy of your 40th birthday. However, her growing up knowing you as Uncle but now thinking of you as “Daddy” is wrong.
To put it short, you got issues. The kind that only a few showers with “Bubba” at the State Pen will fix. A few words of advice? Don’t drop the Soap.
Cordially,
Nineteen Sixty Nine





