I, I’m so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
‘Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you
Let’s Stay Together-The Right Reverend Al Green
There’s been alot of talk on the blog world lately about marriage. There are many who feel that they will never get married, never have children, never ever settle down.
I can see where everyone is coming from. I remember turning 29 and swearing that I would NEVER get married. I told my mom that I would just be that “diva” aunt that showed up at the holidays bearing gifts for everyone else’s kids, looking fabulous and telling tales of all my exploits and travels to all of the poor married folks.
I met my husband not long after I had that enlightening conversation with my mother. When I met him, I was not looking for a husband. I was in fact dating someone (not really committed) and had a booty call reserve on the bench, 2nd string.
My husband had several girls in his stable. No one serious at the time. He too was not trying to get married.
We met, thought the other person was cool, but no sparks were flying…no angels singing….just “he’s cool, maybe he can treat me to a meal once in a while”.
We went on a few dates. Movies, dinners. Nothing exciting. However, over time, I realized that this was a good man. Plain and simple. When he said he was going to do something, he did it. If he couldn’t do something…he said so. He was honest and direct. He loved his family. He was responsible. He was intelligent. He thought outside of the box. He had some style and could floss when necessary….but he wasn’t a punk. He liked good music and good food. He enjoyed travelling. He had goals, dreams and a plan.
The two of us, maybe because we were a little older, were more secure with who we were going into the relationship. We didn’t sweat each other. If he was hanging out with his boys, I encouraged him to go and vice versa. We encouraged each other to have lives outside of the relationship. We trusted each other. We recognized that if a person is going to stray…you can’t stop them. All you can do is FIND OUT and REACT ACCORDINGLY. No sense in tripping without provocation.
As we got more serious, he never talked about getting married. I never talked about it. I am from the “Don’t talk about it, be about it” school. I told him up front that I am not the kind of woman that is going to beg a man to be with me ever. If you have read some past posts, you know this mantra has hurt me before but I still believe that it is the right way to be. I think that a man will not hesitate when he wants something. Men are primal. They are hunters. When there is something that they desire, they will move heaven and earth to have it. If a women is trying to “convince” a guy that she is the one…..she is fighting a losing battle.
All of a sudden, he proposed. On his own, without us ever having to have “the talk”.
Our marriage is not perfect. We have major disagreements. I am a pain in the ass. He gets on my last nerves. But I think that we have a mutual respect for each other. I respect him as a man, a provider, a father. He handles his business. No matter what we go through, he is still a good man and I have to give him props. I may not always agree with the decisions he makes or the way he handles things but he stays true to who he is and was when I met him.
I am certain that I drive my husband crazy. I argue just to argue. I rarely let him have the last word. I change my mind at the drop of a dime. But I have stayed true to who I am. I handle work, two children, a household, all of my volunteer work, etc…and I am still true to who I was when he met me. In addition, I support him and believe in him. I never call him out in front of anyone else. I respect that he is the man and the husband.
I will never back down from an argument. I may get angry and call him every good cuss word I can think of….but when it’s over, I apologize. Even if I was right (which is 90% of the time).
To me, the key for women being a good wife….is knowing that you have the power to uplift or break your man but, 9 times out of 10, you choose to uplift. I think that too many women are trying to be the man. That will kill a relationship faster than Kryptonite.
I am not saying to give up who you are, to be timid and meek. I am saying choose your battles wisely. Your job as a wife is to hold your family down. Women spend too much time trying to show their man that they are smarter and know more. I think most men already know we are smarter. They don’t need to hear it all the time.
I think our men, black men especially, need someone to believe in them. To make them feel like we have their backs no matter what (unless they are on some EXTRA sh*T). That we do think they are smart, hard working and capable of greatness.
To do all of that, women have to be secure with themselves. Believe that you are the sh*t without needing constant validation from your partner. When you love yourself, know yourself and believe in yourself…..then you will be able to give support without feeling like it’s weakness.
When two mature individuals, who know who they are and enter into marriage with realistic expectations….it can be a beautiful thing. Black love is out there and when it works, it is unstoppable.