Marriage is a relationship between two individuals. Like any partnership, both sides have to be fully engaged in the goals, believe in the mission and give equal effort in order to sustain the company’s future.
Now when it is only the two of you, it is pretty easy to manage the company. You are both in tune with each other’s needs. You can focus 100% on making each other happy. Your house is operating in order and life is good.
The challenge with marriage is once you start having children. Yeah, I said it. Children are absolutely a blessing and they, no doubt, enrich your lives every single day but they change the dynamics of your once stable relationship into utter chaos.
Children mean that each of you needs to shift your focus. As a woman who becomes a mother, your husband is still a priority but that child is now relying on you for everything. It is your job to make sure that they are cared for at all times. The man in the relationship needs to be mature in his acceptance of this fact. He needs to understand that his needs are going to drop lower on the priority list and he needs to be okay with that.
Most men say they understand and accept this and, of course, it’s their child…they are fine with their needs being placed on the back burner. Let me let you in on a secret….they’re not. Men like being catered to and pampered. Yes, even the ones that are fiercely independent and highly self sufficient will start to harbor ill feelings when you spend all of your time kissing and hugging that baby and less time worried about their hot dinner, clean shirts and hugging and kissing them. Let’s be real. They married you because you gave them lots of attention. You made them feel like a million bucks, you spoiled them and you could not wait to wake up each day in their presence.
When they start noticing that your attentions have shifted, it stings. They may attempt to talk to you about it and you get sensitive. You feel as though they are critiquing you and you remind them that you are busy taking care of THEIR baby, trying to also run THEIR household and you would appreciate THEIR help in cooking dinner sometimes. All he is really saying is that he misses you and how things used to be.
For the woman, it’s tough. There is no manual on adjusting to parenthood. While women do have a natural maternal instinct…it’s not enough to teach her how to juggle all of these new roles. She is now expected to be able to do it all and society will judge her if she can’t. If she says she is tired, her laundry stacks up, dishes go unwashed or, God forbid, doesn’t feel like cooking dinner…she’s a failure.
What does the woman do when she senses she is losing a grip on her nice orderly life? She tries even harder by overcompensating and trying to do EVERYTHING. While she is doing all of this….she is also trying to come to grips with losing herself. Her body has betrayed her. Her skinny jeans and bikini are now thrown in the back of the closet. She could care less about doing her hair. She is basically trying to survive on coffee and three hours of sleep a night while her husband is trying to have quickies and doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her? “You used to do it ALL THE TIME before.” “Well, we had a baby. I don’t have time for that right now.” She’s trying to say she’s scared that she won’t be able to handle all of this newfound responsibility and that she’s overwhelmed…he’s trying to tell her that he still loves her and he still finds her attractive.
He doesn’t understand what is happening with his wife. He is scared that he is losing the happy, sexy, fun woman he married. He can’t say anything because the culprit is THE BABY and hey, he loves the baby. What kind of moron would try to compete with a baby?
She clings to the baby because the baby isn’t judging her. She knows that no matter how much she messes everything else up, the baby will still love her unconditionally.
I don’t know any HONEST couple that hasn’t gone through this. It sounds crazy but it is real. Kids change things. I have so many friends that swore this would never happen to them and all I could do was be there for them when the inevitable breakdown came holding a box of Kleenex and a pint of ice cream. Oh yes, the breakdown always comes, even to perfect people who have a master plan.
My one girlfriend SouthernBelle remembers one day when her baby was crying for the fourth hour straight. Do you even understand what having a baby cry for four hours will do to your nerves? She left her house with the crying baby, in a stained t-shirt she had been wearing all week with her hair piled up in a *gasp* scrunchie and showed up at her husband’s Saturday am basketball game. She handed him their crying baby and took off in her car for hours. She always talks about how the men on the court all looked at her like she was some crazy homeless woman. They were speechless, including her stunned husband. His fabulous corporate diva would never turn into this crazy wild woman.
The poor men tend to start focusing on their jobs where they can still maintain control. You are pissed off wanting help and feeling like they are distant. You weren’t born the Baby Whisperer and you’re learning how to deal with this kid on your own. There are no instructions and it looked so much easier when your friends had kids. Who knew it was so hard and what happened to your nice home and great relationship? What happened to being cute and being great at your job? Where are all of your friends that came to the shower and the wedding? Why are all of your sexy pairs of underwear suddenly so damned uncomfortable and irritating?!?! We won’t even add the drama of real life…..bills, family, work stress, etc…
This my friends is where the love, patience and communication have to step in. You have to both speak up and fight for what you want and need. You have to STOP being selfish and start thinking of the other person’s needs. Most importantly, you have to take every single fairytale notion you both had of what marriage is and throw that shyt in the trash and get ready to start over from scratch and rebuild your OWN version.
Finding new ways to love each other when everything around you is changing for the worse…..that’s what real love is all about. I don’t talk about the love I have for my husband too often. We have what I call a “battle tested relationship”. Despite what many of you think…we are more like the Connor’s on Ros.e.anne sometimes than the Huxtables. We argue. We disagree. We get mad at each other. Sometimes, in rare instances, we are perfect. Most times, we aren’t. Sometimes we care. Sometimes we hurt each other’s feelings on purpose. However, every single day….we both wake up and we decide to try again. We forgive each other and keep moving forward. We know each other’s faults and we accept them.
I can’t always talk about how our lives are so happy because sometimes, it is truly crazy and we are barely keeping our heads above water. However, we both would rather be here battling in the trenches than anywhere else or with anyone else. We love each other and we’re committed to each other and to our home and our children. Some of our methods would shock you and some would make no sense to you. Hey, they work for us and we could care less about anyone else’s life. We can only do us.
It’s worked for nine years and two children so we’re going to keep on trying and revising the game plan as we go. I wish I could tell some of you how wonderful it is to be married. How it’s all breakfast in bed, walks on the beach and romantic nights curled up in front of the fire. Well,it’s not and no, it’s not for everyone. Some of you can’t handle it because you can only focus on yourself and your own needs. You’re simply not ready and hey, that’s okay because it will get hard and to make a relationship like this work, you need to be ready for it.
It’s noise and kids, mortgages and car payments. It’s choosing to pay school tuition, purchase soccer equipment and throw a birthday party over a Valentine’s gift for each other. That’s real love. Battle tested and proven. It’s actions, not words. It’s day in and day out not grand gestures and promises.
It’s being in the trenches with someone who absolutely has your back no matter if you forgot to make them lunch, wash their socks or give them some at midnight after the last showing of Spo.rtsCenter (sorry Honey). That’s what I have and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
